maureen-millermaureen-miller

Middle age stay at home mom with 3 kids (one in college and one starting 1st grade)

Does your own childhood affect your parenting?

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Ever wondered why one parent can keep a sense of humour in the face of their child's challenging behaviour while another starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?

Sometimes, it's just our stress level. We all know that when we're under stress, we're less patient.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201808/does-your-own-childhood-affect-your-parenting
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maureen-miller
maureen-miller followed this discussion
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For instance:

1. If our parents reacted harshly when we got upset, we may have concluded that getting upset is an emergency, and we go into fight or flight when our child gets upset. The catch? When we're in"fight," our child looks like the enemy.
2. If we weren't treated with respect when we were young, we may grow into adults who perceive others as disrespecting us — which will trigger us to react with anger to the slightest disrespect, even from a three year old.
3. If we concluded as children that we simply weren't good enough the way we were, we'll probably set impossibly high standards and torment ourselves with self criticism. Worse yet, perfectionism always sabotages the unconditional love our children need, and they always sense it when we don't accept them as they are.
4. If we were bullied or socially ostracized, we may get triggered when our child has social difficulties, which makes it more difficult to help them constructively.

So most of us have some unprocessed emotions from childhood, which is another way of saying we're lugging these unprocessed feelings and memories around in our emotional backpacks.
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Do you agree with this? What's your trigger? How differently do you react compared to another parent?
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susan-hodge
susan-hodge followed this discussion
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When we become parents, we notice in ourselves negative traits that are similar to our parents. When our child spills something, and we shout,"Now look what you’ve done!” It may be an expression we’ve never even used but one we often heard in our childhood household. We may have learned plenty of good things from our parents, but we hurt our children when we fail to recognize the ways we repeat the maladaptive treatment of our parents.
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I see this often with friends. Many parents justify hitting their child simply because that’s the way their parents disciplined them, dismissing that there are countless proven studies showing that corporal punishment only has detrimental effects.
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I see this often with friends. Many parents justify hitting their child simply because that’s the way their parents disciplined them, dismissing that there are countless proven studies showing that corporal punishment only has detrimental effects.
We shouldn’t justify harmful actions, big or small, because we learned them from our parents. Instead, we should aim to be the generation that breaks the cycle.
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I guess it can be true. I notice with some parent friends that if their parents were overbearing, they over correct by being too hands-off with their kids.
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I believe this is a very tough question. I believe we all like to think we are independent of our past–that we have created our current day reality.
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Much of the reason I believe we overcompensate for our parents’ mistakes is that we project ourselves or how we felt as kids onto our children. We may see them as our parents saw us, as “wild” or “incapable.” We may typecast them as the “bad kid” or the “baby.”
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Whether we like it or not, our past–left unaddressed–will continue to haunt us in the present.
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For me, our insecurities and self-attacks tend to be cranked up when we become parents, because having our own kids reminds us of when and where we developed these self-perceptions in the first place.
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Much of the reason I believe we overcompensate for our parents’ mistakes is that we project ourselves or how we felt as kids onto our children. We may see them as our parents saw us, as “wild” or “incapable.” We may typecast them as the “bad kid” or the “baby.”
I am guilty of that. We sometimes expect them to carry on our own dreams or pursue our interests, rather than finding their own. When we project ourselves onto our kids, we fail to see them as the distinct individuals they truly are.
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If we weren't treated with respect when we were young kids, we may grow into adults who perceive others as disrespecting us which will trigger us to react with anger to the slightest disrespect, even from a three year old.
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If our parents reacted harshly when we got upset, we may have concluded that getting upset is an emergency, and we go into fight or flight when our child gets upset. The catch? When we're in"fight," our child looks like the enemy.
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Host
Admin
1 y
Host
Admin
Much of the reason I believe we overcompensate for our parents’ mistakes is that we project ourselves or how we felt as kids onto our children. We may see them as our parents saw us, as “wild” or “incapable.” We may typecast them as the “bad kid” or the “baby.”
No matter how good our intentions, we are bound to feel triggered by our kids at moments of frustration. We are often provoked by daily situations that remind us of pain from our past, even if we are not conscious of what is creating the distressing feelings. Often in these moments we feel transported back into the old, painful situation. We may act out in ways that are either parental or childish, but we aren’t really being ourselves.
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