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Kia.Harris
I am interested in Love, Dating and Relationship
How long before “defining the relationship?"
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Kia.Harris followed this discussion
On the sixth or seventh date with my first boyfriend, I sat him down to discuss what terms commonly associated with partnering up meant to us: “committed,” “relationship,” “exclusive,” “love.” As it turned out, much to my intrigue, we did not define them the same way. He didn’t distinguish between casual partners and committed relationships. He only saw one person at a time and appreciated each “relationship” for whatever it organically became. Meanwhile, I saw each romantic prospect as passing through specific stages, from “dating” to “exclusive” to “relationship.” I liked feeling, and then actively deciding on, each progression. Labels didn’t matter as much to my ex as they did to me, and he only applied “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” to our “relationship” at my request. I preferred—and needed—complete clarity.
How long should you wait before"defining the relationship?"
erin.hurley followed this discussion
It's difficult to define an exact amount of time you should wait prior to defining a relationship without first understanding what defining a relationship entails. Defining a relationship involves communicating your expectations for the relationship, and then setting boundaries for the relationship. For example if you expect a relationship to be sexually exclusive, that needs to be communicated and agreed upon, but that expectation can be completely separate from the title of boyfriend or girlfriend
These discussions should at least start early on, so you don’t cling to a person who will never want what you want.
Some feel it’s better to not ask the questions than to face the rejection, this notion gives rise to a very noncommittal society, and the expectation is that things need to be perfect or you move on.
Reply to Kia.Harris
Some feel it’s better to not ask the questions than to face the rejection, this notion gives rise to a very noncommittal society, and the expectation is that things need to be perfect or you move on.
Exactly. Unrealistic relationship expectations make conversation even more vital to your connection with your partner.
Agreeing on a common romantic language can be one of the most important acts you undertake with a prospective partner—especially at a time where we as a culture are completely redefining what a relationship actually is. Even among my friends, despite an earnest desire for more clarity, many are still hesitant to have “The Talk” with the person they’re seeing.
Many of us assume DTR (defining the relationship) puts a person under too much pressure, or opens a can of commitment worms too soon.
it’s important to be as honest as possible about what you want from your partner—now and in the future—but within limits. Be open to creating a shared understanding, and avoid ultimatums and timetables,
There is no set time to 'have the talk.' If you reach a point where you're only comfortable continuing the relationship with a clear definition, then bring it up
Defining a relationship involves communicating your expectations
Defining a relationship is actually just a conversation about boundaries and expectations.
I suggest asking in a way that is flexible and open to your partner's views on the issue, Just because someone isn't ready to put a clear definition on a relationship doesn't mean he or she isn't into the other person. It just could be he or she had a different time-frame in mind, or has reasons to oppose defining it too soon
If you have to ask yourself 'what are we doing?,' deep down you know your answer, whether you verbalize it or not.
This is an important conversation, so it’s critical that you both have time to actually think. If you want to have the DTR conversation, tell your partner beforehand
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When you’re defining the relationship, you first need to define your terms. You want to make sure you’re both crystal clear on just what you mean and how you see things.
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